Meeting your former self
Woah — the past few days have taken me somewhere I’ve never been before. I had a totally different newsletter in the works, but I wanted to share this with you first.
So, I’ve been keeping a journal most of my life. I started young, but as a teenager it became a huge part of my life. I wrote most days, and I wrote extensively — pages and pages of thoughts and experiences, as well as poems, snippets of stories, and captured ephemera.
As a teenager, especially in my 15th and 16th years, I suffered from severe depression. I’m not talking about moody teenager stuff. It was bad. Writing was a solace for me. My sister, close friends, and community (hardcore music scene) were the saving grace of my life, but I nonetheless felt alone, isolated, and disconnected a lot. I longed to be seen.
Born of this longing (and my obsession with diarist Anaïs Nin), I had a secret wish that someone, someday, would read my diaries.
And then, roughly thirty years later, someone did.
That someone is me.
Within the span of about 10 days, I read through all the journals from my 15th birthday through to my 19th.
If you’ve never experienced something like this before, let me tell you: it’s a wild ride. I think it’s the closest you can get to travelling back in time and meeting your former self.
The author is me, and isn’t me. On the one hand, it was so long ago, and in some ways, I was so different. And yet, in other ways I’m the same. It all rings so true, so familiar and close to home — even the stuff I don’t remember.
A lot has come up for me through this process, and I’m sure there’s more to come. But here’s one tidbit that might be useful to you:
I am incredibly grateful that I documented those years of my life.
What a gift it is to be able to look back and have a record of things. Both the facts and details of what went on at the time, and my innermost thoughts and feelings.
While I remember a bunch of stuff, actually reading my play-by-play account is quite different. It’s illuminating and integrative.
Huge parts of our lives are lost to memory, which we know is not reliable. Our brains concoct narratives about times past, filling in gaps and making new meaning.
Self-stories have always fascinated me. (No surprise — I’ve made a career out of helping people express their thoughts and ideas.) And this process has cemented something I’ve known all along: that there’s value in keeping a personal record.
As much as I longed for my work to be read someday, the real gift of the diary was in fact, its privacy.
There is a huge difference between content that is designed for public consumption — like social media or “content” — and a space that is just for you. A place to be honest as possible, without fear of judgement or evaluation.
This is personally rewarding, but it’s also useful from a professional perspective.
Writing for yourself first, before planning for publication, can help you figure out what you want to say, develop your unique perspective, and get to know your ideas better, not to mention capture experiences that may later become powerful stories... perhaps for that book you’re going to write someday.
So, why not start now? You don’t have to write 30 pages a day (like Anaïs Nin did.) You could start with a line a day. Or once a week. Some small practice to incorporate into your life.
Who knows, maybe it will help you write that book.
Maybe it will be the start of something you pass on to your kids.
Maybe it will inspire a project that is for public consumption, like an essay, a speech, or an art project.
Maybe it will become something that helps you understand yourself better.
Maybe it will be a gift to a version of you that you haven’t met yet.
And maybe, just maybe, there’s a future-you out there, thanking current-you for writing things down, so they can look back and finally, with new light, see themselves.
If you ARE sitting on old journals, notes, half-written drafts, etc and you want to make something of it but don’t know how to get started, let me know! I am a pro at helping people take their thoughts, ideas, and expertise and turn them into incredible books, courses, and written projects. I’m always open to conversations, so reach out if you’re curious.