Secrets and stories
One of the first stories I wrote for this newsletter (which has been going for over 8 years now BTW — with some of you readers along for the entire ride 🥰) was about one of my grandmothers-in-law, aka Bubbie Ronnie.
In the piece, I mention a story that Ronnie (Rose) had told me when I interviewed her for a paper I was writing in University. Here, I framed it as a simple parable about challenging our assumptions and inner narratives.
This brief snapshot of Ronnie’s experience coming to Canada as an eight-year-old escaping the pogroms in Lithuania, fearing she’d lose her ability to speak Yiddish, is one anecdote that has stuck with me over time. Ronnie passed away some years back and I wish I’d covered even more territory in our discussions. (And for that matter, kept my notes somewhere I could find them.)
I’m a sucker for both family history and personal narratives / memoir. I loved working on the memoirs of Bette, my paternal grandmother; helping my dad create a posthumous biography of his late father, Gilles; and compiling an interview-style autobiography of my maternal grandfather, Don. My maternal grandmother, Joanne, was something of a closed book though she did permit my dad to do some off-the-record interviews with her. All of these individuals have passed away, so I’m thankful for each and every story they told me (or, in the case of Gilles, that my dad told me about him.)
And yet, for every family story there is also a lingering question. What did I miss?
What didn’t I ask?
And, what didn’t they tell me?
Because inevitably, we miss something. There are always aspects of who we are that we paper over or ignore, if not completely hide. Even in the closest relationships, how well can we ever truly know each other? (For that matter, just getting to know ourselves can take a lifetime.)
Recently, it came up within my spouse’s family that Ronnie had a variety of last (maiden) names that she used at different points in her life. One of them had randomly surfaced on a piece of paperwork, as if materializing out of nowhere. It wasn’t uncommon for immigrants to change their last name or have it changed for them to “assimilate” when crossing borders back then. But the sudden surfacing of an unfamiliar name sparked all kinds of family discussion. Where did these names come from exactly? Why were they used in some instances and not others? What was the story?
When we lose someone, we also lose the opportunity to know more about them. We lose the chance to dig deeper and understand them better.
Unless, of course, they leave something behind.
Something they may not have wanted you to see. Not while they were alive…or maybe not ever.
Such is the case with my latest podcast guest, and her late grandfather.
Enter Sasha Vasilyuk. Sasha grew up between Ukraine and Russia before immigrating to the United States at the age of 13. In 2007, after her grandfather’s death, Sasha’s grandmother discovered in his papers a confession letter addressed to the KGB, revealing a history previously buried.
The confession letter rocked their family, and prompted Sasha to explore her history and culture in a deeper way, leading her to write her debut novel, Your Presence is Mandatory, which spans between World War II and the Russia-Ukraine conflict.
In my interview with Sasha on the Storytelling with Heart podcast, we explore Sasha’s personal journey and family history, as well as broader themes such as:
✏️ The value of fiction writing and how it can be used to explore nuanced and difficult subjects.
💬 The personal and social risk of internalized shame – how storytelling, or the lack thereof, can shape cultural narratives as well as causing personal harm.
📖 How to navigate the muddy waters of sharing complicated stories with our children and young people.
💗 The challenge of sharing sensitive or vulnerable stories, and how to decide when it’s worth it to share the truth (or not).
🌳 Why it’s worth exploring family histories, regardless of whether you want to publish them.
✍️ Plus, tips for memoir and creative nonfiction writing!
Listen here: my website, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, and anywhere else you listen to podcasts.
Meanwhile, what’s your take on the subject of storytelling and secret-keeping? Are you holding onto secrets or personal details of your own? Is there someone in your life you want to learn more about? Are you working on putting your own, complicated family history into words?
Write me back and let me know what you’re thinking (or writing) about.